i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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