Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
