Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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