I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
