I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
