ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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