I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
