I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
