My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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