She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
