Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
