so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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