i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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