I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
