omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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