Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
