Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
