At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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