Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
