Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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