i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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