I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
