Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
