Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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