fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
