if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
