He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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