U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
