we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
