My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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