I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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