R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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