All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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