Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Four minutes until I can fart!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
