my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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