true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
