Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
