Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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