They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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