I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
