Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
