But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
