I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Oh god it's open bar.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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