I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
