His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
