Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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