please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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