dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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