tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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