The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
