i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
