i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
