I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize