just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
