Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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