I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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