Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
there's paper in my vomit.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
