Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
