xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
